It’s been a while since my last posts. I’ve been busy with study and work. I feel kinda exhausted, to be honest.

It’s 3 AM right now. I just kinda doubt my own intent. Have I been doing well lately? I don’t know, but programming is a big thing in my life; I don’t even know who I am if I abandon it. If I give up, it would be my own tragedy.

The truth is, I feel incomplete by myself. No matter what I do, I can’t even fulfill the void that has been growing inside my heart. When did it first appear? Maybe after the death of my father. I just feel like I’ve been doing nothing and progressing nothing (even though I do).

Yeah, I’m kinda worried that I am never going to find someone. It’s hopeless, isn’t it? I just don’t want to get into a relationship with someone and use them as external validation just to make myself feel good. Loneliness is a problem and our partner can’t (and shouldn’t) solve it. We can’t outsource our own fulfillment; it’s just wrong to think that it’s someone’s job to fix or complete us. It is our own responsibility.

In this wide world, there is a perfect romantic partner for every person somewhere out there. There are billions of people and we will only meet a fraction of them. The mathematical chance of finding that one perfect romantic partner is infinitesimal. Out of all those billions, there is only one specific silence I find myself missing tonight. Sad, isn’t it?

If winter comes, can spring be far behind?

You will never know.

Have a good day, my loved one. Wherever you are in this world.